It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud.

It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.

I’ll be honest with you. Both yesterday and today have been very lazy days. There’s overcast, and although it hasn’t really been raining it’s been very wet and humid. So instead of doing any of the things I really should be, I picked up The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s been one of my faves since I read it about 4 years ago.

There’s always been something visually appealing about this book. It’s small thin, the cover is bright and warm and nothings centered but still the composition is balanced. beautiful.

I first read the book when I was in high school and there was something wonderful about it. My friends were older too. and the times Charlie described about when he felt infinite with Patrick and Sam I always thought about those days I hung out with Brian and Sam and it was almost like the same thing. We used to drive around listening to loud music and going to taco bell and everything was okay.

There’s nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard.
Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons

photo by Cheney.

But this time I read it I was able to relate to it in a very different way.

“I guess what I’m saying is that this all feels very familiar.
But it’s not mine to be familiar about.”

That’s kinda how living in New Paltz felt. I loved it but it didn’t feel like my own.

I didn’t feel like reading that night, so I went downstairs and watched a half-hour-long commercial that advertised an exercise machine. They kept flashing a 1-800 number, so I called it. The woman who picked up the other end of the phone was named Michelle. And I told Michelle that I was a kid and did not need an exercise machine, but I hope she was having a good night. That’s when Michelle hung up on me. And I didn’t mind a bit.

Both time this quote reminded me of my friend Alex, or at least the person he used to be. He would do things like that. He was sensitive and loveable; he was a really great person. And now me and Alex don’t talk. It’s not like we’re on bad terms or anything. “But because things change. and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them”

There’s this feeling I’ve had about my past and my friends who I used to be really close to and now we don’t talk anymore. And it’s like, I love those memories and those times we had, but I know it’ll never be the same. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be nostalgic and know when those things are happening that it’ll never happen again. But that’s not reason to hold yourself back from the future. Things change. Go with it.

photo by Cheney.

and it all makes me realize I need to start saying I love you more often.
And I hope you know how much i mean it.